Divorce, Reconciliation, Remarriage and Remarriage

I shared this after one of our bible studies, and figure it's worth capturing in magnetic bits. At the time, it was in response to a couple of really bright questions; I didn't just decide to start making categorical declarations about divorce and remarriage. Here in blogville, I will be making statements out of the blue, but I hope you'll understand.

Divorce a hot button topic for most committed Christians. It might not be quite as hot as abortion, but it's in the same oven. People recognize divorce as an evil sweeping America and the world, and they want to stop it. The root cause must be found, and the usual suspects are are: lack of commitment, lack of moral fortitude, lack of commitment, lack of biblical headship, lack of commitment, lack of spiritual growth, and maybe lack of commitment.

I would like to add another cause. Lack of discernment regarding who is a Christian. In all the divorces I've observed personally, one or both of the partners was not a Christian in any real sense. Marriage is hard. Marriage without Christ is brutal, and it's brutal on both people. My sympathies lie with the Christian, but make no mistake, everyone bleeds when divorce comes.

My first point is this: If you want to slow divorce in the church, train your kids to know when someone loves Christ as opposed to just being a member in good standing of a church.

That said, it's important to admit that no one divorces over religion. My wife didn't leave me because I was too perfect a spouse, or too Christian. Everyone divorces because of real pain. And almost everyone divorces because one lover has found another. Someone has "outgrown this relationship" and is ready to move on - usually to a draft pick already waiting in the wings, or maybe not even waiting any more.

That moment is evil.

The moment that someone decides to leave their lover and even their own flesh and blood is an eruption of evil. The two were one flesh, but a third lover is brought to the union - and to the parenting. The one flesh union is both mystic and physical, but it's pragmatic, too. There are children - they are the "one flesh" made of love. If you know anyone who needs a reason not to divorce, I can recommend an incredibly depressing book about the effect of divorce on children - even children in their twenties and thirties. My ex and I read it a year prior to ever mentioning divorce. It didn't stop anything, but at least we knew what to feel guilty about. The book was right.

Divorce is evil.

I want to write about Jesus' words on divorce. It won't be easy. Not personally, and not grammatically. Grammatically, it's hard to talk about a thing that happens equally to men and women without saying "he or she" ad nauseum. I'm here going to apologize for the confusion below, because I am going to use "he" to refer to everyone involved. Since it's not clear whether the man or the woman is the offender in a given case, please understand that "he" means "he or she" for the rest of this post.

Is Divorce Allowed?

Matt 19:7&8
[Jesus said:] "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." [The Pharisees] say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? [Jesus] saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.

Marriage is a human mingling of heart, body and life. It is an investment at the deepest level, and the garden from which you take your every nourishment. Two people throw in with each other their need for daily bread, their need to reproduce and to nurture a family, and their deepest need to have a reason to get up in the morning. Their hearts hope to become reliant on each other. In marriage they became more than just one flesh, but one person.

The seeds of their hopes for love and life are planted in each other's hearts and "with this ring" they cannot be recalled.

Only they can can be recalled.

You wake up one day to find that your lover has poisoned the seeds he planted in your heart. They're dead. And you gradually realize that he's already planted again elsewhere, and that he's watering those seeds faithfully.

From the moment of that realization forward, divorce is a mercy.

I'm afraid I must be a little clearer here than courtesy usually affords. By seeds, I don't mean wild oats. I'm not refering to sexual union when I say "seeds," though sex is certainly one seed. Seeds are all the dreams, sweat and victories that we pour into each other's lives. Seeds are the strongest years of our lives, given to someone else who will remind us of them when we are enfeebled. Seeds are the joys of dreams coming true. Seeds are the hope that in later years, there will be fruit enough for two. But then, in one day, the seeds upon which you staked your future are lost forever.

[Jesus] saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away

Moses gave permission to divorce. He only gave it because of the hardness of our hearts, but our hearts are hard. To forbid divorce is to pretend our hearts are soft, when they aren't. They just aren't.

Divorce is a mercy granted by God to the innocent. When one of His children is forced to watch the seeds of his love walk away, and that field be planted by another, God grants the mercy of release. God permits the one abandoned to unlock those treasured bindings. Entirely appropriately, the divorce is usually initiated by the one who leaves. The divorcer cannot be truly "free" of his mate until the law of the land says he's free, and since he wants another so badly, he files the paperwork. And so, usually, the vicious mercy of divorce is dealt upon the victim whether desired or no. Sometimes the victim has to file when the other party wants a back door open, but this too is allowed by Moses.

Is Divorce Allowed By Christ?

Christians agree that Moses allowed divorce. They stumble, though, at the possibility that Christ revoked the permission Moses granted. Christ made anger a capital crime, when Moses set that bar at murder. Does He now allow the rending of one flesh in two? Or did Christ overrule Moses, and forbid all divorce?

Matt 19:9
And I say unto you *, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

I don't think it takes a lot of analysis to show that Christ allows divorce here. I'm sure you all already know the Jews had ruled that divorce was permissible for any reason. Jesus cut that laxity off at the knees, and said there was but one certain reason that was appropriate - fornication. In so saying, Christ allows that for one reason divorce truly is appropriate. Now, all the stodgy old ministers of days past were careful to say over and again, "This does not refer to one-night stands." And they are probably right. Falling into bed with some other, vulnerable partner is not even on the table in my discussion. When one partner poisons all the dreams of his victim and starts a new life with a new lover, though, then divorce is the only recourse the victim can have. And Christ allows it.

If there is any doubt whether the Lord gave us divorce as a mercy, it should be resolved by remembering that even He availed Himself of its sad release.

Jer 3:8 And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also.

The victim of a fornicating abandonment does not sin in filing for divorce.

Let me deal with two objections:

Objection 1 What about the complaints of the one who leaves? (Allow me to call that person the faux-victim.) No one walks away from a marriage without justifying his departure. Continuing my sad little "seeds" analogy, there's two ways for a seed to die. The seed can be planted in bad ground, or it can be tended poorly. The faux-victim asserts that the seeds were tended poorly by the true victim, and that those seeds were long dead before he ever walked out.

This argument is defeated by scripture's wisdom. Love does not "move on." Love forgives, and in so doing, love heals. Yes, the victim surely failed his partner in very real and painful ways, but the the faux-victim doesn't forgive and heal. The faux-victim finds another lover who has not failed him (yet.) Fornication is, therefore, not so much the breaking point as the final nail. If both partners decide to give love, to forgive and to work to heal the other, then divorce will not come to pass. They might imaginably fail to build a living marriage, but they will not divorce. They will continue to forgive and make room for hope, even if separation comes. You will know they both were true in heart when neither seeks out a new lover.

The complaints of the one who leaves are given lie by his his actions.

Objection 2 What about mercy? We are commanded to turn the other cheek. Shouldn't we extend that eternal forgiveness we receive from God? Shouldn't we not divorce even when offended against, just as Christ extended mercy to us by dying for us while we were yet enemies?

No. In case of fornication, we should divorce. If you have gouged out your own eye, or cut off your own hand, then staying married to an active fornicator will make the same kind of sense. To remain married in such a case is an offense against justice, and one that God Himself did not allow. When Israel fornicated against Him, He was slow to divorce her, but divorce her He did.

Yes, show the mercy of God in giving a clean divorce with humility and peace. Yes, turn the other cheek for years by dealing mercifully with the one who dealt wrongly. But don't hinder justice by holding out hope that a dead marriage will be resurrected.

Is Reconciliation Allowed?

De 24:4
Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the LORD: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance.

God is against taking back the defiled. The scripture is against taking back the defiled. Do not counsel for it. No good can come of this thing.

Christian divorcee, if you find yourself laboring to believe God will bring back your spouse, give it up. Be done with it. I know in the old days they counseled that reconciliation was your only hope for remarriage without sin. They were wrong. This is an abomination.

I will not shut the door forever on the thought that God might work a miracle, and He might find a way to do something amazing. Hosea took back his wife, and God offered to take back Israel, so yes there are 1 in 1000 exceptions to the exception, but please don't believe you're one of them lightly. There are successful reconciliations, but there are many more flaming failures. Don't throw good years after bad. Let the Lord restore the years of the locusts, but Deut 24:4 says He'll do it another way.

Is The First Remarriage Allowed?

When a couple divorces, they can both remarry. And we know that in some cases those remarriages may be sinful. Jesus says that whomever remarries first is guilty of adultery, as is his new partner.

Matt 19:9
And I say unto you *, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

The first partner to re-mate reveals where his heart was all along. The first partner to re-mate sunders the one flesh relationship visibly that was already dismembered in his heart. Until that moment, the victim hoped. After that moment, there is nothing but a gaping wound where love used to be. No child of God does that to another. No child of God remarries first.

(BTW, I say, "re-mate," above not merely to insult any first remarriage, but because pragmatically that first remarriage is often not a marriage at all, but a cohabitation agreement, or a steady relationship with "committed" sex. If it's not marriage, it's still fornication. The fully legal remarriage, the bed sharing, the committed rendezvous, or serial one-night stands; it all fits into "except it be for fornication.")

whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery
And Jesus confirms this stricture. The victim of a divorce without fornication is an adulterer in remarriage. When the departing spouse remarries, he causes both himself and his new partner to commit adultery. He probably doesn't care one whit about that, but it is the truth.

Is The Second Remarriage Allowed?

I will argue in a minute that the second remarriage is a blessing allowed by God, but before I do let me set my expectations on any remarriage.

I have not experienced a second marriage, but it seems it must be a different thing entirely. There are things I gave away in my first 17 years that I will never be able to give to anyone else. The children I love will always be the "one flesh" from a union that died, and there will be no more for me. Other second marriages may be able to build on a second family. That's not an option for me. I could not again bring the idealism of my youth to the table - though that's probably a blessing in itself! Instead, I would bring fears and scars. Remarriage seems very different from marriage. Marriage is a chance to build dreams into a profitable fortress of family. Remarriage seems a conscious agreement with God that it is good that people not be alone.

I am not here trying to argue that remarriage is anything but an aberration in God's plan. I am, however, going to argue that it is a good thing, profitable for all and worth pursuing. Remarriage is a chance to make war against the nightmare effects of sin.

Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery:

"...except... "

Except for the hardness of our hearts. Except for the reaving of fornication. Except for the devastation of sin.

Jesus permits the freeing dismemberment of divorce and provides the healing of remarriage. When the hard of heart abandons his first love, joins himself to another, and leaves the victim to rebuild the shattered pieces of a life, then Jesus says, "except." This remarriage, the second one of the original pairing, is not adultery.

Many for whom I have great respect believe all remarriage is adultery. With them I must humble myself, and support them. If they were to remarry without faith, it certainly would be adultery. And so I support their decision. Except for God's mercy toward the hardness of men's hearts, and except for fornication, all remarriage would be adultery. But to ignore the, "except," and to ignore the hardness, and to ignore the fornication, seems to ignore things the Messiah was willing to heal. After the finality of fornication, there is the newness of remarriage without adultery.

Matt 19:10-12
His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry. But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

I'm a pessimist, but with each year the thought of lifelong singleness looks less and less daunting, more and more survivable. Does that mean I have been given the gift of eunuchdom? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe I was made a eunuch by an ex-wife. We'll see.

My current default position is that I will remarry, but my standards have been informed by my experiences. The fears my pain taught me are real, but so is the wisdom. I will not again marry a person on the scant evidence that they profess to be Christian. I mentioned at the beginning of this post that to slow the tide of divorce, we must teach our children how to know whether someone truly loves Jesus Christ. I recommend looking for someone with a track record of having surrendered treasures to the Lord and loved Him more deeply after suffering the loss. I know a lot of Christians who resent the Lord for things He's taken away, and there's no future with them, whether they're saved or not. If there's a better thing to measure, I'm all ears. Right now, it's the best I've got.

for the kingdom of heaven's sake.

The kingdom of heaven is forever. Marriage is only for a lifetime. Remarriage doesn't even last that long. When it comes down to what matters, all things are subject to the sake of the kingdom of God. If I can be single for the kingdom of heaven's sake, then sign me up. Right now, in my life, I see no additional value to the kingdom in my "freedom," but my eyes are open. Mayhap the Lord has something surprising in store. All cannot receive this saying, and I don't know which camp I'm in.

For most, remarriage is the thing best for the kingdom of heaven. If gardening is a glory to God, then sowing the seeds of love again in another's heart has to be a more glorious thing. If flowers are cheering, then smiles and warm glances have to be encouraging, and even inspiring. If a successful marriage is a glory to God, then a successful remarriage must be like the widow finding her lost teacozy. Heaven surely does not rejoice over a remarriage like the welcoming in of a new child of God, but the triumph of love where sin had ravaged cannot be a thing unnoticed by angels. Entered into with wisdom and courage, remarriage is a beautiful thing. I know of a couple gorgeous remarriages, one of 25+ years, and the kingdom is truly blessed by these four saints.

Let us think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith. May the Lord bless each of His children.